My Giant Life is a show about really uninteresting characters who just happen to be abnormally tall. There’s nothing wrong with that mind you– everyone has a place, even if they’re constantly having to duck under overpasses and are randomly jumping into street ball games to swat down any fool who tries to drain the three.
Seriously, though, this might as well be called TLC Presents Tall People Doing The Exact Same Things That All The Other Stars of Our Shows Do, but we’re guessing that title is a bit too long to post in the corner to promote the next upcoming episode.
For the masochists out there who enjoy subjecting themselves to the brain cell melting power of TLC’s programming, My Giant Life is just what you’ve been asking for– more of the same.
So put on your platform heels because we’ve got a lot to measure up to this time around with the 15 Secrets You Didn’t Know About My Giant Life.
Katja and Julie Are Having Martial Problems
This is pretty obvious for anyone who has followed the couples’ trials and tribulations through the life of the show– things have progressively gotten worse for married couple Katja and Julie.
Although things started out quite famously for the two, Julie’s continued failed attempts at getting pregnant, as well as her stalwart opinion that it’s nothing she’s doing (aside form the fact that she has an eating disorder and solely eats eggs), has started to wear thin on Katja’s ears.
It seems like these problems are becoming apparent as time goes on, and the two are making the biggest mistake that an unhappy couple ever could– they’re having a baby believing that it will fix everything.
Why is this even a belief anymore?
Everyone knows that babies make everything 300 times more difficult, so why would you ever consider one as a bandaid for your failing love?
Haleigh Wanted To Have A Hazardous Birth
We’d like to first point out that Haleigh’s husband is stepping on his tippy toes and that she is sitting down in this image, although it appears that she is leaning.
Second of all, you may notice the “Mama” shirt and onesie being pulled between them, much like the last piece of pizza is fought over in most writers’ room on a regular basis.
Much of the most recent season focused on the fact that the couple were expecting a small, freakishly tall bundle of joy of their own.
Unfortunately, Haleigh had a pregnancy complication that would require her to give birth in a hospital.
Regardless of this fact, and the serious nature of her condition, she still wanted to have an at-home water birth.
However, a consultant was invited over who backed up her husband in saying that it was an awful idea.
Luckily Haleigh got the net, and delivered the baby in a hospital, but if left to her own devices, the outcome could have been catastrophic.
Krista And Lindsay Were Forced To Live Together… And it did not go well
Under the guise of Krista being new to town and needing a place to stay, which, surprise, is with another woman who is taller than the nearest canal’s waterline, Krista and Lindsay end up being roommates for a short stint. To put it shortly, things do not go well– at all.
Krista is first thrown off by the fact that Lindsay seems to have a seriously hard time taking care of herself, hence the filth and unnamable things that she finds living in the freezer.
Coupled with the fact that Lindsay seems to be a bit of a lightweight when it comes to drinking despite her size, these two were doomed to fail.
Once Lindsay steals one of Krista’s tops, the relationship is finally over, causing Lindsay to go bet away her life savings, which she promptly loses to a Hooters dealer at a casino.
Alicia’s Friends Think She’s Way Too Into Remaining Celibate
Much like a newly converted vegan, Alicia really likes to tell people that she’s never slept with anyone, even bringing it up awkwardly to people who she’s only just met. Somehow, it’s still less annoying than a vegan, but probably a bit more unexpected.
Alicia tends to blame prospective suitors for just being after her sweet, sweet loins out of wedlock as the reason why she can’t find a match.
Yet, it seems like a more obvious reason is that she outright tells potential boyfriends that she is celibate right off the bat, without much context.
Her friends tend to agree– pretty much every interaction that they have with her is based around them prodding her about her continuing abstinence, and why she awkwardly shoves it in anyone who approaches her’s face.
Coco Has Extremely Distasteful Social Habits
Coco used to play volleyball and has an insatiable appetite for breaking guys that treat her like an individual of normal heights’ hearts. For example, her ex was a nice guy who just enjoyed her company, despite her freakish size.
She took his heart and spiked it into the dirt, though, telling him that she really wanted to play the field. He reacted like a normal human being, that is, by telling her to shove it.
As dramatic as this whole series of events was, most of the viewing audience couldn’t swallow the other player in the scene– Coco’s monstrous feet.
At a public blowing alley, she took them out for air, putting them directly in the path of pedestrians and hapless bystanders. No one should take their feet out in public.
Lindsay Wears Socks With Boots To Try And Cover Her Tallness
There can’t be any other reason for this particular fashion choice, right? No one actually chooses to wear tall boots with even taller socks, do they? Judging by the size of the rest of her, those socks might be children’s sleeping bags that only come up to her knees.
If you compare the length of her socks to the length of her shorts, you can tell something is a bit off.
Just wear pants Lindsay, and don’t you dare say it’s too warm. You’re wearing leather boots with wool socks. Do you know what would keep those legs of yours warm? Pants.
Are we taking this too far? Considering that she seldom wears anything else besides socks with boots, we don’t think we’re taking it far enough.
Lindsay Acts And Wrestles Professionally
Yes, that is Lindsay shaking a ref like an angry nanny sways an infant that she wishes was hers. That is also her carrying a full grown woman over her shoulder like a child throwing a tantrum.
Suddenly, we have a little more respect for Lindsay, as opposed to the mouth breathing oxygen bandit who is usually portrayed on the show.
Lindsay also has a few acting credits under her belt, on shows like Grey’s Anatomy.
However, that really doesn’t compare to her ragdolling other women out of the ring like they weigh as much as a box full of styrofoam peanuts.
The Show Is Mostly Scripted
We never learn folks, especially when it comes to the rubbish that TLC is able to continually pollute our fragile minds and limited time with. With that said, My Giant Life is its mother’s daughter, meaning that it is largely fake and pointless.
Yes, these women are tall and sometimes take their feet out in inappropriate places or wear socks with boots every time they’re on camera, but really they’re just that– tall women.
TLC manufactures an interesting life fraught with zany plot twists to keep us glued to our televisions in constant stupefaction.
This is a feat achieved by making a self consciously celibate woman tell everyone that she’s never slept with anyone (and tall), that an especially tall woman’s wife is having trouble getting pregnant (while she has no trouble being tall), and everything else ridiculous (all while being tall).
This is TLC’s patented snake oil, their opiate of the masses if you will– another stupid wolf in stupid sheep’s clothing. We keep wandering into the maw of faux entertainment, one wasted hour at a time.
Lindsay’s Mom Is Man Hungry
In an effort to cheer Lindsay up after, you know, pretty much putting her out on the street, Krista invites Lindsay’s mom to surprise her in Las Vegas. Lindsay is elated, and her mom can’t believe she waited so long to come and see her unnaturally large daughter.
To celebrate, they decide to go out on the town, and like mothers and their daughters sometimes do, they end up at a Thunder Down Under show, which is essentially very sweaty Australian men flailing their members around like lassos to a room of panicking housewives.
Disturbing? No, not at all. However, Lindsay’s mother is obvious jealous as Lindsay is pulled up on stage and has her face grated like a block of badly dolled up cheese by an Aussie’s abs.
Krista’s Comedy Side Story Is A Joke
Krista has a dream of being a standup comedian, and based on her sole performance on an episode of My Giant Life, it will remain just that– a dream.
Seriously, her routine maybe lasted for three or four minutes tops. Somehow, it felt like a solid day or so had mysteriously vanished from our lives, stolen from us by an extremely unfunny tall person. That’s right, Krista, we’ll never get those precious days back.
If her lackluster performance doesn’t convince you that the whole standup comedian path is just a grab by TLC for your precious viewing hours and attention, then the awkward and extremely wooden romance that apparently bloomed from it is a dead giveaway that it was entirely scripted.
Lindsay’s Ex Is Her Ex For A Reason
For anyone who has watched the show, it’s not hard to know who Lindsay is– she’s the one who steals peoples’ clothes, thinks that implants that could crush a cinder block are attractive to men, and who gambling all her savings in an attempt to double her money and pay her rent, believing it to be a solid idea. Yeah, she’s pretty memorable.
So memorable in fact, that her boyfriend made a pretty good attempt to avoid her at all costs.
Whenever they showed him on the show, he made it a pretty obvious that he did not want to be near her… at all.
You probably shouldn’t date a guy who looks like he just smelled something bad when you pop out of his birthday cake, but unfortunately Lindsay can’t take hint, to say the least.
Katja’s Wife Only Eats Eggs
More like My Giant Wife, right? (We’re sorry about the chronic knee slapping and abdominal cramping and soreness that that joke is most likely causing you right now.)
Even though Katja and Julie aren’t anywhere near the same height, their love seems genuine and sweet– a true romance that defies stereotypes (and Jessie Spano syndrome).
However, Julie hides a secret that has only recently comes to light: she eats nothing but eggs.
In a recent episode, Katja confronts Julie about her excessive exercising and odd diet, hinting that it is keeping her from getting pregnant.
In the midst of their screaming match, Julie reveals that she eats about a dozen eggs a day. We love breakfast, but not that much. No one should love it that much.
Haleigh’s Parents Hate Her Husband
This isn’t a secret for anyone who has caught an episode of the show and been an awkward third wheel to Haleigh’s marriage– her parents really hate her husband.
It must be intimidating being the shortest man in the presence of a tall family, especially when you’re kind of a goober to start with.
Haleigh’s parents pretty much constantly berate her and her husband to move closer to them so that they can help take care of the baby correctly.
To their credit, they have raised a super tall baby before, so maybe they know something that the rest of us don’t.
If you need further proof, Haleigh’s dad was saying that her husband would probably fit in the baby-to-be’s onesies better than the baby. That’s pretty rough and unnecessary.
Lindsay Has Serious Body Issues
It can’t be easy consistently being the tallest person everywhere. All of those judging eyes are constantly on you, and even if the judgements aren’t malicious, you still take them home with you.
Hence, Lindsay suffers from reoccurring body issues, which include her tendency to want to extremely large bosoms.
A large part of Lindsay’s storyline has been her quest for the biggest bozongas that her unnaturally tall frame can handle, even as her friends and family do their best to talk her out of it.
Aside from bosom augmentation, she consistently breaks down into fits of hysterics when looks are brought up, most likely due to the impact of her lack of a father and subsequent hatred of her boyfriend featured earlier in the series. Don’t worry about it Lindsay, you go girl.
CoCo Treated Her Last Boyfriend Very Badly
Aside from letting her dogs bark in unacceptable places, Coco also has another annoying trait that she flaunted on the show– she treated her super nice boyfriend like a doormat.
Although Wil is only 5’ 10, and apparently lost an “L” somewhere on his way to meet Coco, he always treated her well– like an actual human being as opposed to some anomaly.
The fact that the guy could date Coco without being too intimidated by her height is enough proof for us that he saw something special in her.
Well, she took her feet out and told him that she wanted to find some other balls to volley– she was interested in seeing other people, but wanted to keep him on as a side piece.
Wil, despite the obvious typo on his birth certificate, really was just a good guy and thankfully had enough self respect to leave Coco at the bowling alley.
Can you think of any other secrets behind My Giant Life? Sound off in the comments!
